How Would You Live?
I have an important question for you:
How would you live, if you could live however you wanted?
Take a minute to really think about that.
Before the rules, before the guilt, before the opinions and the peer pressure and the "common sense"...who were you? Who ARE you? How do you want to live? Where do you thrive?
For a lot of years, I've felt like I didn't have any control over my life. From the big life decisions, to the little "what do we need from the store" details, I felt I had no choice, in the name of submission and selflessness. (News flash: I always had the choice. It is not loving to let people control you.) But now I am asking myself who I am, who I've always been, deep down.
Honestly, I have to go pretty far back to think about who I was before other people's opinions shaped me. Like, about 6 years old. A person might think of themselves as very incomplete at that age, but to tell you the truth, what I remember about 6 year-old Disney is exactly the same stuff that 36 year-old Disney is made of.
I wanted to be happy. I wanted other people to be happy. I wanted to live carefree and play and enjoy everything that was beautiful. And if it wasn't beautiful when I found it, I would MAKE it beautiful, and then I would sit it awe of it.
I loved people. I loved being out in the world and exploring it. I wanted to see everything and hear everything and KNOW everything. I loved dress up and dolls. (Mostly dressing up my dolls.) I wanted to wear a princess dress every. single. day. There was no activity that a princess dress was not appropriate for. Grocery shopping? Princess dress. Church? Princess dress. (duh) Neighborhood baseball? Princess dress with pants underneath. I still feel that way, 100%.
Over the years I learned that I was "over-the-top" and what made me happy did not make other people happy. After a while, the half-snide comments about me being "fancy" outweighed the joy I felt from being fancy.
Buuuuut. Not anymore, kids. I'm 'bout done with that.
Because here's the thing: those people who need you to be a certain way in order to accept you, will eventually find some reason to not accept you anyway. They don't like you. And well, that's ok. You just keep loving them (from a distance) and sashay away in your princess dress. Because you are on your way to the ball, and they are getting spit on your tiara.
I often think about this. How when we are trying to find ourselves as adults, really we are just trying to get back to what we already knew as kids. When we were just ourselves, before the world tried to fit us into a mold. I was deeply compassionate, full of wonder, constantly creating, fiercely determined, and also whimsically free spirited. I just wanted to make things and be happy near the people I loved. And even though I forget sometimes, all of that is still true of me.
ReplyDeleteAbout 10 years ago I went through a really tough and mentally damaging time. It left deep scars, but it really did help form me. It showed me who I didn't want to be anymore. I became stronger and more determined and have re-embraced some of the me I had lost. My faith changed, my work changed. I changed. No more imposter syndrome, no more playing it safe. I needed close friends and family to help me through. But I am now truly me. Disney, I pray that you find you in all of this. I hope that you have the support I had and that ultimately you can rest in being you.
ReplyDeleteBeing whats now called "neurodivergent" I was alway too something. Too loud, to opinionated, too lazy, too bubbly, too rude. I was and still am always waiting for the point when people decide I am too much and leave. But when my daughter was born I started to be how I want her to be. Unapologetic myself. If people don't like it, fine. They can go. I will not have her change herself for other people!
ReplyDeleteAnd surprisingly this change made me much more successful professionally. Maybe it's being older, married and a mom. But suddenly being opinionated is seen as competent, being loud and bubbly is being creative and being rude is seen and confidence.
Also: You mentioned, that it's hard for you to make ends meet. Please consider letting us pay for the service you provide us as readers. I pay for books and magazines, I'd happily send over a few buck via Paypal and I am sure I am not the only one. Christmas is coming up and I don't want you and your kids to have less then enough when you have a community here willing to help!
I love this. Be YOU! And I love that you have such a kind friend who would make you that cake.
ReplyDeleteDisney, hey it's Darcy! Hey we miss you so much! Is there any way that we can get together? Just to get caught up, share hugs, and just have fun. Abi would absolutely love seeing you and Paige!
ReplyDeleteHey Disney! This is Abigaile..❤I miss you & paige so much! I wanna give you guys a hug so bad!🥺
ReplyDeleteI hope everything is going well for you🤍 Still praying for you guys!🙏❤
Anyway love you!❤
Disney., I hope you got the card and letter I left for you.
ReplyDeleteI meant what I said, sweetie, take care of yourself..
Hey, girl!
ReplyDeleteI've been a bit away from the internet for a time- some lack of focus to do some things.. Now I'm reading the previous posts. I loved that photo! And your dress and tiara! 😍
Your post made me think... Sometimes the daily routine, or other hard thinks that happens in our life, made us disconnect from who we are. It's nice to remember that. The little things that make us who we are and bring joy to our days. You're definitely a princess. A beautiful and sweet and brave princess. It's really nice to see you own your life again. Every princess deserve that!!!!!