Disturbing

You guys, I have tried so many times to write a blog post and I just don't know what to say. I have all the thoughts, but no words. Everything I type seems overly dramatic, but in actuality...isn't nearly dramatic enough. I'm going to fumble through it anyway, though, because you've been wondering how I am, and I just need to say...something. :o)

Today it has been one year since my sister's suicide. I can't believe it at all, it still feels like it's been a month. I still think about her constantly. Maybe that's not healthy? Maybe I'm obsessed. Maybe it'll get better. I've heard many times that the first anniversary of a death is when it starts to feels real. Is that a good thing or bad?

I don't really know what I want this post to say. Do I talk about her and what her life was like? I can't really do that, it involves too many other people. Do I talk about the absolute, soul-changing horror of surviving a loved one's suicide? I can't really put that into words. Do I talk about how my family has fallen apart since she died, and the second tragedy is almost equal to the first?

I could talk about how eery it all was.
Just three days before my sister died, Robin Williams committed suicide, and it hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason. I was never really a big Robin Williams fan (more of a Jack Black sense of humor), but I felt so disturbed when he died. More than the usual sadness at the loss of a stranger's life. I just kept thinking about it. I remember texting my mom to say: "What's up with me? Why am I heartbroken about this like he was my childhood friend or something?"
The day she died, I was at a friend's house, shooting photos of this tutorial. At one point the subject of my sister came up in conversation. We were interrupted by my friend's sweet little girl, wondering when lunch would be, and I looked at the clock to see what time it was. Later I realized that I'd been talking about my sister almost the exact moment she jumped. That afternoon, before I'd heard about what happened, I was doing the dishes and out of the blue, started singing "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind. I hadn't heard that song in forever, and I remember thinking how random it was that I would sing it. I just assumed that it was because doing dishes made me want to die. But the strangest thing was when we visited the bridge that she jumped off to leave flowers there. It's a moderately long bridge, and when we walked onto it, my family stopped a little ways down to look out. But for some reason I felt really drawn to a certain spot further down the bridge. When I walked to it and looked off the edge, I saw what you all see in the photo at the top of this post: the clear outline of her body in the trees below. It was the exact spot she had jumped from. I don't think I've ever felt sicker than that moment.

That photo is really disturbing (sorry), and it's one I thought I would never share. But that's what suicide is. When Robin Williams died, there were memes all over the place saying that the "Genie is free" and lots of other lovely, peaceful messages. I think that people wanted to be kind and positive, which is to their credit. But there is nothing positive about suicide. There is. nothing. good. about it. I need you to know: it is dark, it is disturbing to the core, it's painful, and it is evil. There is no upside. It is never the right choice. It is literally from Satan. Don't do it. Don't ever do it. No matter what, please don't ever do it. It sends its shockwaves much farther than you could ever imagine.

Well...that was a very uplifting post, I'm sure. The good news...the good news is, you're reading this, which means you're alive. And if you're alive, you can help people who are despairing and depressed. You can be kind and gentle with them. You can train yourself to pay attention to others' pain. You can turn off the tv, and write an encouraging note. You can reach out to someone who is crying for help. If you know someone who is struggling, encourage them. If they respond with meanness, encourage them more. Love the garbage out of them. And if they tell you to stop, don't. And if they seem like they're doing it for attention...give them attention! They need God's love, and if they won't seek it out, let's bring it to them. And keep bringing it. And keep bringing it, and keep on bringing it. Until they get a restraining order. ;o)

And if you're the one needing it...it is waiting for you. If you are considering suicide, know this: you are being lied to. You have no worth? False. That's a lie. No one loves you? False. Lie. People are better off without you? False! That's a lie!! There's no other way to end your pain? No! That is a lie. Seek out truth. God is truth. You want to feel loved? Go to the source! God is love.

I guess that's about all I have to say about that.

I love you very much :O)

-Disney