A Letter

"Nis!!"
"Dis!!"

I miss how we used to always greet each other that way. As if we had the most exciting news of our lives to share, when really it was just usually that one of us had gotten coffee.

And now I'm crying already.

I think about you a lot. A lot, lot. I think about you when I color with the purple marker. I think about you when someone talks about wearing black. I think about you when I see my shorter hair in the mirror. I think about you when I'm being silly and I think that it's too bad you're not here, because you're the only one who truly understood that side of me. I think about you when I drive by a cemetery. I think about you when I hear the Cranberries play. I think of you when I see chicken nuggets, and instant mashed potatoes and anything with white sauce. I think of you when people talk about the 90's, or Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I think of you when I see people reaching out to others, and when I hear the word "compassion", and a million other things. I think of you when I see bunk beds.

I think of you when I see bridges.

Did you watch "Frozen" before you died? You must have, you had a little girl, too. :O) Did you notice? Did you notice that it was about us? I'll bet you did. I was Anna, right? Happy and clueless and a little naive, sometimes a little inconsiderate. And you were Elsa. Older, stronger, quieter. And so protective of me. So kind to me. And you were dignified about your pain, just like Elsa was. Instead of demanding pity from others, you just went up on your mountain. Except in our version of the story, Elsa never came down from the mountain. She died up there.
And Anna died every day after.

I understand. You were in so much pain, and you just needed it to go away. Any way you could. But the pain didn't go away. You just gave it to me.
And the rest of us.
Oh, no, I'm not mad at you, I could never be. You didn't know how much it would hurt all of us. You couldn't have, because if you had, you never would have done it. I know that about you. I'm just mad at "it". I'm mad that you were so loving, but so injured. And I'm mad that I don't have you here.

I miss you.

Love,
Dis