So Long Self
Well it was bound to happen sooner or later, right?
Today I had my first real "selfish moment" about being a foster mom. When I kind of wondered what I was even doing and if I really wanted this kind of life. And this is really silly, but it was all because this morning I really wanted to go skateboarding and I couldn't. Because I had two babies. You'd think it would have been brought on by thoughts of sleeping through the night or maybe even just taking a shower without having to turn off the water every 2 minutes (because for some reason the white noise of the water sounds to me like babies are crying), but no, just a little urge to get out and practice. I'd been wanting to go to the skate park for a while, but there is never a good time and suddenly I had a little panic attack and realized that it would probably be years before I have that kind of freedom again.
I looked over at my husband and said: "Remember how easy and nice it was when we just had Paige? I really miss that..." He was like: "Actually, I think you were busier then." at which point I told him to shush because this was my fantasy moment and I wanted to remember it the way I want. ;o)
But seriously, I do kind of miss it. A little bit. I have this "free as a bird" temperament and mentality that makes me want to be able to fly around here and there without anyone else to worry about and sometimes that just gets in my way. To be fair, I did feel this way when it was just Paige sometimes, too. I suppose it's just my younger, more me-centered self still trying to hold on for dear life as my worldview continues to change and look outward and upward. And I can't blame old Disney for trying, but frankly, I just don't want her around. :O) Reminds me of that song: "So Long Self" by MercyMe--have you heard it? Good song. Anyway, I'm glad these selfish moments don't come too often. 'Cause I really do love these little souls.
...I still feel like going skateboarding, though.
:o) Have a great weekend!
Love you, friends!
-Disney
Disney, do you have a friend who could look after the babies for a couple of hours for you...or perhaps your husband might like to? It is good to have a little time away from little ones. You are certainly not being selfish...just 'normal'. LOL!
ReplyDeleteI was about so suggest the same thing but Nanna Chel beat me to it. Disney, feeling like you need some self care is not selfish at all. Think of it as a bank, it is necessary to make deposits into your love account so that you can give it back without feeling depleted.It is hard taking care of little ones.
ReplyDeleteI have a three year old and a one year old. I completely get what you mean. It's not the big things, it's just little things that make you think, "Why can't I just have a few moments to do what I want for me?" It's not about love, because you love them to death, and it's not about being selfish, because selfish people just do what they want without all this hand-wringing.
ReplyDeleteIt's just being human and you are certainly entitled to that.
I love how you keep things real here :) And I totally agree with the shower/crying sound thing!!! (I always thought it was just me being paranoid) You are such a great mommy!!!
ReplyDeleteyou wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that way!
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful pictures of your daughter! Just take it day by day! hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt's not that you can't do things...you just don't have the spontaneity to do things on the spot. Schedule a skateboard time when your husband can watch the babies. Could be a great time with just your older daughter.
ReplyDeleteYou are not letting anyone or anything down but yourself if you don't give yourself some time to recharge. It's clear as day to us readers but you are in the middle of your very busy days. We are giving you a nudge and a wink - and you would do the same for us!
ReplyDeleteI sure love your honest heart. And I'm pretty sure everyone can relate to the way you feel. And I'm pretty sure you're one of the least selfish people I know.
ReplyDeleteCheri
I am sure you deserve a babysitter for a few hours!! :)
ReplyDeleteCecilia
I love you Disney. Thank you for sharing because I had a moment like that tonight over something so silly--the WHOLE day I had felt awesome and OK with doing what I was doing, and then I melted for about 1/2 an hour tonight and wasn't so nice to be around, because I was feeling selfish and like I wanted time for me. Nice to know you are human ;).
ReplyDeletelol I love it. :) I have had my kids too close together in age to ever have a break long enough to remember what it was like when I use to be able to do things. You are an awesome Mom, Foster Mom, and I love that you want to skateboard.
ReplyDeleteOh I totally can relate! I feel that way sometimes too. I just want that freedom feeling to be able to craft or just run to the grocery store...ALONE! :) Sometimes what helps me is to listen to music from back in the day. For some reason, listening to what I did when I was free helps me feel like I am. :) I don't think it's selfish at all to want to do something you want. I think it's a need--it's part of taking care of yourself and as important as eating and sleeping. I know you are an awesome mom and foster mom, and don't worry when you get these feelings sometimes. :)
ReplyDeleteDisney, I know how you feel. I have 6 children of my own, and even though they came one at a time, each one represents 2 years of my life that I couldn't do much besides care for their basic needs. On the other hand, it's such a privilege to be chosen to be their mother! We've tried something around here for the last 5 years that has worked really well. There is one family we trade Friday's with. One Friday she takes all the kids and fixes dinner and gives me the night off. And the next Friday I do it for her. In the warmer months, it would be a great skateboarding opportunity, though usually I go out to dinner with hubby and do a little just for fun shopping.
ReplyDeleteEveryone needs time to themselves, and you should not feel bad about asking for help!! Can I also tell you that prior to being adopted, someone fostered me as a newborn. I can't ever tell them how thankful I am that they did that, so I can tell you thank you - you're doing a wonderful thing for those children!
ReplyDeleteI have three kids and I perfectly understand you. Sometimes I want to spend time alone or to do something that I used to do before I had kids, but when I look at them, how they are playing and smiling, I understand that I can`t imagine my life without them and the only source of happiness in my life is my kids.
ReplyDeleteHi Disney,
ReplyDeleteI have been a foster mom for only 1 year and have had 13 children in our home total, 7 of them being long term placements. Prior to this, home was my husband, myself and our 2 cats. What a change, so yes we feel that way too. For instance, after a child or sib group leaves our home we say to ourselves, "Ok, we are going to take a 3 month break." But then a week later we get a call for 4 children and how can we say no. I do also understand that it is hard to say, oh I wish I went back to the good old days, when I chose this.
Foster care is a fun yet odd roller coaster, but we are so happy we are doing it.
Jenny